Orkut-mania.

It has almost been two weeks since I have had access to my orkut profile. It was not that I did not have the time and means to but funnily enough, I do not think I missed it much {except for the first 3 days when I called in ‘sick’} Yes, for a person who was once-upon-a-time in a habit of accessing the website more than 5 times a day, going two weeks at a stretch without it is funny enough. But let me get this to you- I felt unbounded peace as this was the correct thing to do and that my life was definitely better without those pokes and crappy scraps. No kidding..

In the two weeks I discovered, if I was not updated about my friends new album which had her pictures of her slumber party or the status message that she updated saying, ‘I am going to flunk in my physics exam tomorrow’, bingo! I was not going bankrupted. And that was surely not the reason why satyam crashed. And eh, I wonder why she did a slumber if she had an upcoming exam.

As I was supposed to be committed with the likes of Newton’s law and Daltons theory, my extra-marital affair with orkut started some years ago. Feb-06
to be precise. My story had started the same way, when I clinged on to moments of boredom after the examinations and was invited over by a friend. What I did not see was that there was no going back. Before I saw it, I was already in the after. It was a true mate in more ways than one. I used it to the fullest and like any fling of course; it was unstoppable, untraceable and just as viral in nature. It truly broke barriers and raised excitement levels.
Primarily, it returned to me, a lot of my old long lost pals. Friends I had lost touch for some 12-13 years and some I did not touch at all. Yeah, I am pretty touchy. ;) Besides that, it gave me the ease of sneaking into the darkest of the secrets, nearly free of cost. I could:-


1) Take a sneak peak into my friend’s boyfriend life. Ok, that’s because I am single...

2) Spy on all my ex crushes who I must confess had grown up to become super hot ties while some did not even deserve a virtual poke.

3) See how my little cousin, whom we all thought to be an overgrown baby, had started to use mother and sister friendly words with ultra finesse.

4) See who all of my friends were ‘committed’ and I was not aware of.

5) update myself with the latest gossip amongst friends and see who was bullshi*tin the other..

And many more…

On a more elaborate note, this was my receipe to feel good about myself

INGREDIENTS: laptop, internet, lots of free time, links to random profiles.

PROCEDURE: I start off by opening my Y! inbox only to know that even though I was single this valentine, I have received 26 valentine emails from my near and dear ones. Read: ICICI bank, brand factory, shoppers stop, jetlite, feedzbitz and so on…
Eventually, I develop an idea as to how my school time friends have become of themselves. I know I am always on an ‘emotional high’, but WTF, I go ahead…

1ST PROFILE: a school time, real time, all time nerd.

After reading the not-so-cute profile for five minutes, I think, ‘he was a bit boring’ when I knew him but now he has excelled successfully in getting a PHD. a john Abraham snap to tell me how he looks, eh !with the somewhat little expectations from the album, I find it full of quotations. I see testimonials from all his little sisters who believes , ‘bhaiyya is a superman!’ I wonder a little, but after 10 seconds, a second thought crosses my mind, ‘is thinking worth?’

Reflex: click the top right ‘x’ button on the window.

2ND PROFILE: classroom fashionista + mens most wanted.

I find pictures and pictures everywhere. The profile has to be pink as expected with attitude quotations here and there. The album contains 180 snaps of hers in different poses and places. Her eyes look like a kajal factory and the clothes like they have bitten by her kitchen pests. i need to close the album before my eyes loses sight looking at the stark orange and pink she wore everywhere. Anyway. Quick thoughts come to mind that tell me, she should be gone with a stud in two weeks.

Reflex: I be gentle enough to say hello and congratulate her on her new makeover.

3RD PROFILE: examination partner+ sort of crush

Surprise! Surprise! I see the photo on the profile which gives me enough of a ‘feel good factor’ about myself. Reason: he has grown so much fat! And then I end up thinking, ‘chick, is this what you were missing all this while?’ This one was all intellectual and writer sort of a guy, so I naturally expect some high fundoo things up his profile. But someone tell him, there is a difference between boring and intellect.

Reflex : open the album and laugh about his FATness.
But seriously, if this was a competition to make me feel good about myself, this one will hand down.

My heart experiences a mixed feeling. Of not wasting anymore than 1 minute on the boring one, being a gentle lady and not considering the fat one. But the end result will definitely be pleasing, the ‘feel good factor. :P

Everyone has his/her dark secrets or desires, is not it? It helped me work with all and more. It qualified to be my anywhere social messenger and partner in crime rolled into one jointly working with me in discovering some once-upon-a-time strangers in my life today.

But slowly it dawned on me that it had potential hazards that I could not neglect and if I did, I would end screwing up my life super fast Be it the equation with my chemistry book for I neglected Dalton who is actually responsible to put me into a medical school, my mum as she knows what a waste of time it is, My dad for I am the potential source of increasing bills and not to forget, my brother. Yes! We keep fighting for the using the net more times than never...


Take this- I had this big womanizer friend of mine who always turned up at my place to access orkut. And every time he chatted up a babe, after 15-20 minutes of honey sweet pleasantries, he was horrified to know that the ‘babe’ has seen the ‘committed’ status up on his profile and thought of him as dirty ‘rat’ when it came to ‘pecking’ order. I kid you not folks; it was very disappointing and damaging to his self esteem. And every time this silly had thought he could do away with his ‘committed’ status-“oh! It’s just an orkut status, does not mean anything, honey.” Well, let me tell you, it does not work that way at all. Here ‘virtual’ is too real for comfort...

I did not have a very cute feeling every time I read the testimonial my ex’s current had written for him. It had to be naturally pink and flowery or else why is he with her at all. And then there I was visiting the profile of a person I met some 8 years ago who once had a face that was ‘loved by all’ which had now turned into a face that ‘only a mother could love’. And yes, I have to mention he never mattered to me in my life then, does not matter now and will never in the coming 5 years at least. So the big Q yet remained, ‘what was I doing in his profile?’

There have been times when I had read a new book or bought a new gizmo and the next thing I knew, I was activating myself in its respective orkut community. You have to agree, this does happen to a lot of us. Why are we so insecure about our choices? If we like something, why do we have to go and see what others think about it? Then have a whole long discussion about why it is the coolest thing in town?

After being ‘active’ on orkut/hi5 {they are all the same} for quite a lot of time I had already started to wonder why people want to put an albatross around their online necks? I mean seriously, I felt weird if I did not check my friends updates 4-5 times a day or comment on their new status message. I must admit, I have some super dumb friends too who, even if they have their major the next day still manage to update their status message all through the day on orkut. It starts with,

‘Exams suck’
To
‘Physics exam tomorrow-Christ save me’
To
’15 chapters left, no time to study’
To finally,
‘I am going to flunk in my exam tomorrow.’

And sometimes, the next day, friends do ask, ‘you dead or what?’ I mean, buzz off, one does not get extra marks in the majors by saying, ‘I got a dressing down from my teacher for screwing up my copy’. But then again, one does not get extra marks either by updating orkut so much...

Consider this- if you happen to be a guy with a normal level of Mopes chatting with this old school girl and then on your home page flashes a friends request from one of the hottest looking girls you have ever set your eyes on. What would you ideally do? Hells yeah, press ‘accept’. C’mon, if you are straight and do not agree with me, then go, stand in a corner and think why you lied to me. All you men love hot girls, which does not? And yes, there is hardly anything these men deny. Isn’t it expected from them anyways? So back to the point, where all you were looking was for a happy ending, it happens quite the opposite. You end up losing all your contacts. So then what can you do? Just sit on your ass, stare at the screen and think how your horniness made you say hello to a virus.
A lot of people online are jobless, you have to agree. I can no more spend hours answering to,
‘Hey ‘sup??’
‘Nothing much, you tell’
‘How is your dog doing?’
‘It’s gone for a walk. How is the dog in you doing’?

And then, there is so much of doggie-ness in the air you tend to feel like one yourself. All I want to tell them is, ‘dude, I have had enough’. Top ten reasons why-

1. I do not want to know who is screwing whom.

2. I do not want to know what others think about the latest mobile I bought. I like it enough to spend a fortune and I do not need expert comments.

3. Incessant pokes and scraps and craps are driving me up the wall.

4. Asking the same question to everyone, ‘hey! Sup?’ and getting the same reply, ‘nothing much, you tell’ is an activity that is taking a toll on my sanity and patience.

5. I have enough of answering the questions about my status message and asking others about theirs. Who means them anyway...?

6. Knowing about how hot your boyfriend is how cute my class 1st crush has become is not helping me spice up my non-existent love life.

7. I do not want to do ‘fraanseep’ with anyone there. My social circle is anyway overflowing. The very fact that you are sending me a request proves, we are not like minded.

8. I do not want to get hate mails for admitting publicly that I do not think that linking park is the coolest band around and I do not watch ‘prison break’

9.I was disconcerted to be recognized by friends of friends of friends by my online profile.

10. Finally, I am continuously ignoring the cute guy in my coaching because I know he is committed and this is not giving me a very nice feeling.

So I have finally had enough of this virtual surveillance. I prefer anonymity when I go out for a walk or watch the neighborhood men folk. As far as meeting ‘like minded people’ are concerned, I have enough already and plenty more opportunities. Now I have the time to hit the gym, catch up with old pal’s real time and spend more time with the guy who always complained about the lack of it. Life is getting back on track. I am not up all night; as a result mom has stopped raising hell on me. I know this is just a passing phase and she will get back to normal pretty soon, but what the hell, make hay while the sun shines…

Pink Floyd had once sang, ‘there is no dark side to the moon. Matter of the fact, its all dark...: P one small tip can save a lot of ‘bluesy’ moments. I will tell all my friends to keep their orkut disabled unless they really need it cause this is an apple that can ‘bite’ you back. While appearing to be a harmless beverage, it can deliver the kick of a mule.
So till the time I do not resurrect myself online {I hope I do not} I guess I might try living in the real world. Hey the SMS says, ‘second life’ just got more exciting….

Damn you, technology….